This post is made as punishment for breaking my book buying ban at Barnes and Noble this weekend with not just one book but 4 (though one of those I wont see or get charged for until October) books were purchased. As a part of holding me accountable, Kal @ Reader Voracious, was able to choose the topic of said post to which I had to post within 24 hours if ARC review obligations permitted.
However, ya girl injured herself and can’t drink due to the meds being taken, so it was approved by the powers that be (those in the Bookish Collision server on discord) to have this post go up on Tuesday, and for me to write it while inebriated by the pain killers. Drunk I am not, but Loopy as fuck I am. So technically the same thing? This concludes the preamble and the signing off of sober (can I even use that word?) Sam.
🚨CONTENT WARNING: 🚨
The letter below contains crude/strong language and heap ton of cussing. If that isn’t your forte, I suggest just reading this intro and telling me about your current read or the latest movie you watched in the comments! Please practice self-care before, during, and after reading.
Dear Bad Boys,
Yeah I am talking to you stud muffins, the fact that you had to grunt your response back to me, really lets me know how important I am and what I have to say matters—thank you for that by the way. But to get back to the matter at hand, I am writing this letter not only to keep you from your asshole ways and as a punishment for myself for buying shiny books, but because I wanted to let you know that you aren’t fooling anyone.
Yeah you read that right.
You think you are so cool because you treat people like folks treat public bathroom stalls when they haven’t been cleaned in a couple hundred days. So suave you believe you are, because you always have a flock of people that are quote on quote “drawn” to you. Magnetic pull my ass—I know the truth about you studdly men.
You are the softest men on Earth.
You are like that big buff dude on Tangled that likes all the dainty things in life but everyone around them thinks they are hardcore. NEWSFLASH BUCK-O! You aren’t! I know this because in every scenario, you fall for a person and show your true side—tutu and all. Don’t take it personally, because there is nothing wrong with letting the inner teddy bear out every now and then; but what I don’t get is why put up the chainsaw massacre killed my unborn child front up to begin with? Why not be the buff sensitive dude from the get-go?
And please don’t tell me its because girls don’t like it, because then I will have to call bullshit on you and I really don’t want too because wow you are big. Your asshole and dickhead ways may show another side of us that normally no one would see, but there is a reason no one sees that shit—it’s cause it ain’t cute sweetie; and 10/10 times it will probably annoy the ever-loving shit out of anyone that is reading the book you are in.
Also, WHY are insults always involving the lower regions of the body?! Like ya’ll can’t come up with something that doesn’t involve genitalia? Like why do those areas that can bring utter bliss have to be used in a negative light? Why can’t we call people brain fuck, stomach ulcer, heartburn, or even ingrown toe nail! Literally there are so many other things you can call dumb people instead of pussy, dickhead, dick wad, douche bag, douche-canoe, asshole, ass-hat, dumb ass—like what did your butt and penis/vagina ever do to you to deserve such berating?! Why would insult those lovely places by associating them with the dipshits of the world. like honestly bad boys?! why?!
THINK ABOUT THIS FAM. I PROMISE IT WILL CHANGE THE DUCKING GAME.
But back to what I was saying—yeah you don’t have anyone fooled, least of all me. I know who you truly are, and I am 92.3 percent sure that I’m not scared of it…the other percentage is there because I don’t know you from Adam and I’ve seen too many Netflix thrillers and shows to know that you can be a creepy as fuck dude, who rams me over with his car until I have amnesia and then pretend to be my husband, when you really aren’t because you are secretly obsessed with me, to which I would promptly play:
But if you must continue to let society dictate who you must be solely because of what your outward appearance says—than continue, I don’t know your life.
And to the guys that are super lanky and think wearing black makes you a bad boy—LMAO. Please stop embarrassing yourself and go back to your desk. The unicorns see through your bullshit.
And as for you dudes who don’t look like bad boys in the stud muffin context but are indeed bad boys— you guys are just inherently assholes and will never ride with the unicorns on their day of redemption. It is what it is. I’m sorry but you are the weakest link—goodbye.
TROPE! YOU GUYS ARE A FUCKING TROPE! HAHAHA TAKE THAT YOU COTTON SWABS!