A Not So Drunk Open Letter To Bad Boys…

PLEASE NOTE: 

This post is made as punishment for breaking my book buying ban at Barnes and Noble this weekend with not just one book but 4 (though one of those I wont see or get charged for until October) books were purchased. As a part of holding me accountable, Kal @ Reader Voracious, was able to choose the topic of said post to which I had to post within 24 hours if ARC review obligations permitted.
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However,  ya girl injured herself and can’t drink due to the meds being taken, so it was approved by the powers that be (those in the Bookish Collision server on discord) to have this post go up on Tuesday, and for me to write it while inebriated by the pain killers. Drunk I am not, but Loopy as fuck I am. So technically the same thing? This concludes the preamble and the signing off of sober (can I even use that word?) Sam.

🚨CONTENT WARNING: 🚨

The letter below contains crude/strong language and heap ton of cussing. If that isn’t your forte, I suggest just reading this intro and telling me about your current read or the latest movie you watched in the comments! Please practice self-care before, during, and after reading.

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Dear Bad Boys,
Yeah I am talking to you stud muffins, the fact that you had to grunt your response back to me, really lets me know how important I am and what I have to say matters—thank you for that by the way. But to get back to the matter at hand, I am writing this letter not only to keep you from your asshole ways and as a punishment for myself for buying shiny books, but because I wanted to let you know that you aren’t fooling anyone.
Yeah you read that right.
Not.
Fooling.
Anyone.
You think you are so cool because you treat people like folks treat public bathroom stalls when they haven’t been cleaned in a couple hundred days. So suave you believe you are, because you always have a flock of people that are quote on quote “drawn” to you. Magnetic pull my ass—I know the truth about you studdly men.
You are the softest men on Earth.
Yup.
You are like that big buff dude on Tangled that likes all the dainty things in life but everyone around them thinks they are hardcore. NEWSFLASH BUCK-O! You aren’t! I know this because in every scenario, you fall for a person and show your true side—tutu and all. Don’t take it personally, because there is nothing wrong with letting the inner teddy bear out every now and then; but what I don’t get is why put up the chainsaw massacre killed my unborn child front up to begin with? Why not be the buff sensitive dude from the get-go?
And please don’t tell me its because girls don’t like it, because then I will have to call bullshit on you and I really don’t want too because wow you are big. Your asshole and dickhead ways may show another side of us that normally no one would see, but there is a reason no one sees that shit—it’s cause it ain’t cute sweetie; and 10/10 times it will probably annoy the ever-loving shit out of anyone that is reading the book you are in.
Also, WHY are insults always involving the lower regions of the body?! Like ya’ll can’t come up with something that doesn’t involve genitalia? Like why do those areas that can bring utter bliss have to be used in a negative light? Why can’t we call people brain fuck, stomach ulcer, heartburn, or even ingrown toe nail! Literally there are so many other things you can call dumb people instead of pussy, dickhead, dick wad, douche bag, douche-canoe, asshole, ass-hat, dumb ass—like what did your butt and penis/vagina ever do to you to deserve such berating?! Why would insult those lovely places by associating them with the dipshits of the world. like honestly bad boys?! why?!
THINK ABOUT THIS FAM. I PROMISE IT WILL CHANGE THE DUCKING GAME.
But back to what I was saying—yeah you don’t have anyone fooled, least of all me. I know who you truly are, and I am 92.3 percent sure that I’m not scared of it…the other percentage is there because I don’t know you from Adam and I’ve seen too many Netflix thrillers and shows to know that you can be a creepy as fuck dude, who rams me over with his car until I have amnesia and then pretend to be my husband, when you really aren’t because you are secretly obsessed with me, to which I would promptly play:
But if you must continue to let society dictate who you must be solely because of what your outward appearance says—than continue, I don’t know your life.
And to the guys that are super lanky and think wearing black makes you a bad boy—LMAO. Please stop embarrassing yourself and go back to your desk. The unicorns see through your bullshit.
And as for you dudes who don’t look like bad boys in the stud muffin context but are indeed bad boys— you guys are just inherently assholes and will never ride with the unicorns on their day of redemption. It is what it is. I’m sorry but you are the weakest link—goodbye.
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P.S.
TROPE! YOU GUYS ARE A FUCKING TROPE! HAHAHA TAKE THAT YOU COTTON SWABS!
 

27 Comments

  1. Leelynn @ Sometimes Leelynn Reads

    July 16, 2019 at 11:19 am

    LOLOL this was the best thing I’ve ever read.

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 10:36 am

      Haha glad you enjoyed my crazy! <3

  2. Alana from Dream Come Review

    July 16, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    This is amazing! Cotton swabs 😂

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 10:37 am

      Lol thank you! Sober (coherent?) Sam had a fit when I got to that part 😂

  3. TheCaffeinatedReader

    July 16, 2019 at 2:15 pm

    This is possibly my favorite post you have ever written, I’m going to go read it four more times and laugh and then go watch Tangled

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:04 pm

      Hahaha! Glad you love it! <3

  4. dbsguidetothegalaxy

    July 16, 2019 at 5:43 pm

    SHAME SHAME SHAME yes tell it all!!
    Magnetic pull my ass 😂😂😂
    Hope you’re feeling better, though, Sam – re your injury!
    All in all, a very fun letter to all ‘bad’ book boys

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:10 pm

      Haha thank you! I’m doing much better now, and am now able to go up stairs with out crutches so win win!

      1. dbsguidetothegalaxy

        July 22, 2019 at 5:43 pm

        Crutches are the worst 😭

  5. Kal @ Reader Voracious

    July 17, 2019 at 7:21 am

    This post brings me so much joy, and I am so glad that I was able to bring it into the world!

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:12 pm

      *bows*
      Then I have fulfilled my purpose! Thank you for keeping me accountable!

  6. Ren Strange

    July 17, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    Haha! This was so funny! I’m always in favor of more posts like this.
    I hope you weren’t injured too bad. I recently broke my ankle and it is not fun. I hope you’re doing better than I am!

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:14 pm

      Haha I’m glad you liked it! And I severely strained the muscles in my hip/thigh so much no bueno, but I’m doing better now! Thank you! I hope your ankle is doing better as well!

  7. Xandra @ Starry Sky Books

    July 17, 2019 at 4:11 pm

    When I read that there was some cussing in this post, I scrolled down to see what kinds of swears you were using, and the first thing I saw was “NEWSFLASH BUCK-O” 😂 And now I’m just crying with laughter!
    Awesome post, Sam! This is amazing!

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:15 pm

      😂😂😂 Glad I could make you laugh!

  8. danielle

    July 18, 2019 at 1:51 am

    It’s 3 am and I should be sleeping but this was comedy gold!!! I love me a bad boy, but I love me a SOFT bad boy even more! I freaking love you Sam!!

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:15 pm

      LOL THANK YOU DANIELLE! LOVE YOU TOO!

  9. northernplunder

    July 18, 2019 at 6:15 am

    amazing! this was so fun to read, thank you for this enteratining masterpiece :’)

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:16 pm

      *bows*
      it was an honor to bestow it upon you, your majesty! 😀

  10. Jayati

    July 18, 2019 at 12:35 pm

    Ahh I loved this post – I have to say Kal’s punishment made us all very happy.
    I’m hoping to see more of such letters because I’m absolutely in love with them!

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 12:20 pm

      Kal’s punishment was fun to do! Though I will say ya girl wont be breaking her ban anytime soon! 😂 Glad you liked the letter!!

  11. Meeghan reads

    July 20, 2019 at 8:32 pm

    Sam, I don’t want to say this on Discord, but can you please go buy another book so we can get another of these?! 😂

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      July 22, 2019 at 3:00 pm

      LOLOLOLOLOLOL if there is a HUGE run for the hills and grab your wallets sale–then this may happen again lmao.

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    July 31, 2019 at 2:20 pm

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    August 16, 2019 at 12:31 pm

    […] I broke my ban. And my lovely friends on discord chose my fate and I was tasked with writing a drunk letter to the bad boys of the fiction world. Since then, I have been on a mission to be the model of a good ban member should be and […]

  15. Clo @ Book Dragons

    August 28, 2019 at 8:50 am

    Aaaaah love this post Sam, part way through I was literally just thinking “this could be a spoken word piece cause it gives me strong poetry vibes in some places” and cue me reading the rest of the post hearing your southern drawl and I was snickering. Seriously though this post would work so well as spoken word or something <3

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