Dear Authors…An Open Letter To Your Sex Scenes

๐ŸšจCONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING:ย ๐Ÿšจ

The Letter below contains quotes/excerpts of explicit sex scenes, mentions of rape/lack of consent, and strong language. Please practice self-care before, during, and after reading.ย 

Untitled design
Dear Authors,
Hi. Let me first start this letter by saying that wow I love you a whole bunch. You keep me sane and you let me feel all the fuzzy feelings as well as the ones that would most likely end me up in jail with a name like Taystee in Orange Is The New Black. DESPITE THAT! I love you. Let me also take this time to say that I am slightly intoxicated right now with several a few margaritas in me, two shots, a whiskey and a nice big daiquiri because I’m a fancy bitch. So take that as you will. But back to the purpose of this letter! I love you so, so, so much, but ya girl here has a bone to pick with you.
Your Sex Scenes.
Yeah, I know you know I was gonna bring that shit up. Most of the time it’s a 10/10 would recommend transaction and you get me feeling some type of way that leads to a cold shower, but hot titties do some of them suck major ass.
For starters let’s talk about your way of describing sex. Some of the names you come up with for saying vagina and penis are really hella ducking weird–yes I said ducking, let me own that shit–even sober Sam can attest to the weirdness (I can indeed). For instance, in Fifty Shades of Grey (shout out to my friends for reminding me of this!) we get a huge pile of different variations of this caucasity. Exhibit A:

“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. โ€˜Are you ready for this?โ€™ he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”

Yeah. Soak that awkward in.
First off, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING IT A LOVE CAVE?! Last time I checked my vagina didn’t have stalactite and stalagmite hanging and chilling in my insides. Authors, I swear to you I had to take a lap or two after I read that sex scene. The mood was severed, the heat of the moment was doused by a pen of hamsters. If someone ever told me they wanted to waddle into my love cave and then proceeded to use a hamster as a sexual descriptor…fam. Neither drunk Sam nor Sober Sam would be getting laid that night. My happy alcohol filled body would be immediately calling an Uber and going home.
Not today Satan.
Don’t worry authors, you can’t pin all the bad sex scenes on Poor EL James here. Nah fam, you got some crazy ass folks in your arsenal. Fifty shades is just the one of many books that use weird as pubes sex descriptors. Let’s all waddle to some of my favorite cringe quotes shall we?

“Iโ€™m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing weโ€™re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.
One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.
I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.”Katerina by James Fey

Yeah I know fam. I am crying laughing too.

“My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.”Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami

I need Sober Sam to the bold the worst part about the above. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CONSENT?! Haruki needs their genitals cut off and burned in front of them, because what in the ever living hell possessed them to think that this was good sex–much less OKAY?! Let’s continue, cause I cannot–

โ€œEmpty my tanks,โ€ Iโ€™d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.”Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan

WHAT IS WITH Y’ALL AND CAVES?! All of this is just bad sex. You can moan all you want to, but ain’t no one meeting nirvana in that room when you describe it like that Authors. Speaking of Nirvana, what the hell is up with the false advertisement? In every single explicit romance, you authors make every single guy long and girthy–BUT NOT ALL DUDES ARE LIKE THAT! Sometimes they are shit in bed and you have to teach them how to take a ride on the Silverado. That’s nothing to be ashamed about, but authentic sex scenes are the best sex scenes and you all out here giving the world false hope that every dude in a suit has a wildebeest package when instead 80% of them are centipedes! Poor Bob down the road was set up for failure from the start and he didn’t even know it!
RIP Bob
Fix it Authors. Shhhh, don’t ask anymore questions…just fix it.
signature

36 Comments

  1. Michelle

    March 16, 2019 at 11:08 am

    Holy shit Sam, here I thought the Fifty Shades of Grey books were bad. I think I need to wash out my eyes with acid. I donโ€™t understand how these authors donโ€™t laugh at their books?? Iโ€™m going tonerite a response to this post because I have a whole lot to say๐Ÿ˜‚ I absolutely love this Sam, please do more drunk lettersโค๏ธ

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 16, 2019 at 12:26 pm

      Sober Sam had a time and a half proofreading this letter and honestly I don’t even know how those sex scenes even get approved from publishers…like a ton of people read this before it went to the press and said “this is quality sex”???
      OMG YES TO THE RESPONSE POST MY SOUL IS PREPPED FOR GREATNESS

  2. TheCaffeinatedReader

    March 16, 2019 at 12:10 pm

    I am laughing but also like also mortified. WTF EMPTY MY TANKS IS THEIR FOREPLAY ‘GET MY CYLINDERS GOING BABY!’ I can’t. I can’t even. I. Ugh. But honestly, thank you so much because I just got done reading a book by a dude and apparently talking about how the woman wore her fur coat every time they banged. UH EXCUSE ME? THAT GETS HOT. WHY.
    Thank you, Sam, this is so far possibly my most favorite book blog post ever.

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 16, 2019 at 12:28 pm

      ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I honestly don’t know how any of these things got approved for printing. A time has been had folks.

  3. Jayati

    March 16, 2019 at 1:25 pm

    Oh my god, can I just start by saying that I’m glad I haven’t read any of these books?
    Also, none of this is erotic, it’s more suited to make you laugh and/or cringe.
    This letter is so true and well, I truly hope that the authors see this and fix their sex scenes.
    I hope you write more drunk letters! xx

  4. Erik McManus | Breakeven Books

    March 16, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    This review had me LOLing. SO awesome. I should try writing a drunk review :P.

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 16, 2019 at 2:50 pm

      Glad I could make you laugh!

    2. Michelle

      March 16, 2019 at 2:58 pm

      Sam should try her hand at writing a review drunk someday too!

  5. Jordyn

    March 16, 2019 at 2:46 pm

    Ahhhhaha I don’t know how to feel right now! I almost quit after “puckered love cave.” My god. This post is hilarious but so so true. Really makes me appreciate the good ones because the bad ones are SO BAD.

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 16, 2019 at 2:53 pm

      Right?! Like wowowowowowow ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  6. Ruby's Books

    March 16, 2019 at 2:55 pm

    I’m howling with laughter right now!! OMG!! Wow ๐Ÿ˜‚ And I thought Fifty Shades was bad! I also agree with you, I checked and there’s no stalactites or stalagmites, nor is there an icy pond hidden in my vagina either, so IKD why they insist on calling it a cave. That aside, I’m weird enough to say I’ve read some dubious consent books that were better written than the ones you quoted. The dress bunched up in the underwear tripped me. I mean I think that’s what happened there, I’m not 100% sure ๐Ÿ˜‚. I need to dig up my favorite awful sex scenes too. And do more drunk letters!!!!

  7. bookishhbibliophile

    March 16, 2019 at 9:49 pm

    wow I thought FSOG was already bad, I laughed so bad reading those . Simply wow. Hilarious. Whats with author and their caves?

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 17, 2019 at 10:46 am

      ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I have absolutely no clue, but they need to come back to the surface and fast ๐Ÿ˜‚

  8. Kayla @ Books and Blends

    March 17, 2019 at 10:24 am

    OMG Sam! I am over here crying laughing! I agree though, some of these authors need to work on their sex scenes.

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 17, 2019 at 10:45 am

      ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ like come on folks!

  9. northernplunder

    March 17, 2019 at 10:25 am

    omgod i think my love cave jhust shrivelled up and died

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 17, 2019 at 10:44 am

      AHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS THE BEST COMMENT EVER AND I FEEL THIS ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  10. The Currently Reading Book Tag – Reader Voracious Blog

    March 17, 2019 at 1:25 pm

    […] |ย  Samย  |ย  Camillaย  |ย  Lisaย  |ย  Michelleย  |ย  […]

  11. Gerry@TheBookNookUK

    March 17, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    Hahahaha! Oh yes, I remember a few of these! Two of these were included in the ‘coveted’ Bad Sex Awards for 2018 and I think one of them even won it. How on earth these went through editorial approval I don’t know! I’ve never read Fifty Shades but puckered love cave? That’s some quality work right there ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 18, 2019 at 9:16 am

      HAHAHA Yes! I remembered when they got nominated for them and I was like “yes, the only accolade these deserve–a time” ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND THE FASCINATION WITH CAVES AND VAGINAS?! LIKE WHHHHAAATTTT? LMAO

      1. Gerry@TheBookNookUK

        March 18, 2019 at 3:12 pm

        I have to say the Bad Sex awards were an eye opener. A fascinating, terrifying, hilarious eye opener and I think I live for them. Absolutely no clue!!! Of all things… caves… I just… I mean…. I’m all for metaphor and symbolism but sometimes I’m just like ‘no people, just keep it simple!’

  12. Clo @ Book Dragons

    March 17, 2019 at 3:53 pm

    “Last time I checked my vagina didnโ€™t have stalactite and stalagmite hanging and chilling in my insides”
    *wheezes* OMG last time I checked me neither, can you imagine if we did though…it’d certainly be a weird experience phahaha. Gah this post made me chuckle also that 50 Shades one yeah…it’s not just the hamster reference or the cave thing that gets me. “mewled” what are you a ducking cat? At least cats wouldn’t have written that shit and called it a decent sex scene. I think mewled is like yummy Sam…I don’t like that word. It’s a weird one.
    Love Drunk Sam and Sober Sam, you’re both a time and 10/10 would recommend <3

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 18, 2019 at 9:17 am

      HAHAHHAHAHA I DIDN’T EVEN CONSIDER MEWLED LOL

  13. Kat

    March 18, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    OH MY GOD SAM I’M CRYING AND LAUGHING
    the sex scenes are so bad what the heck. and oh my god your reactions are ON POINT
    also can we talk about how he “mewled”. IS HE A CAT????? no wait, he’s a hamster mother??? what the heck why would you write something like this oh my god this is so bad

  14. veeshee

    March 18, 2019 at 2:56 pm

    OH MY GOD I DON’T THINK I HAVE LAUGHED AS MUCH OR ENJOYED READING A POST AS MUCH AS THIS ONE.
    THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS MUCH-NEEDED LETTER!
    Please never stop.

  15. A response to: An open letter to your sex scenes – Michelle likes things

    March 20, 2019 at 10:25 am

    […] Sam announced she was writing a drunk letter to bookish sex scenes, I knew I was in for a treat. After she published it on Saturday, I laughed so much, and completely […]

  16. Stephanie

    March 20, 2019 at 12:50 pm

    This is a post of epic beauty!!! (Also nightmarish horrors.)
    I have to say, for the most part (and of course there are exceptions), the well-written sex scenes I’ve read have mostly been from female authors. I’ve read some from women that have been poorly written in terms of style of prose and of course some that have just been gross, but the poorly written ones from men have been more of the Bad Sex Awards quality, that if sex were actually like that, I’d be informing my husband that I’d suddenly discovered the joys of celibacy. (And can I throw out an extra-long scream for the latest Nicholas Sparks novel my mother foisted on me? It was set in 1990, the two characters knew each other for FOUR days, and THERE WAS NO CONDOM USAGE EW EW EWWWWWWWWWW. I hadn’t read a book with no condoms in ages and this SQUICKED ME THE HELL OUT, especially since that was at the height of the AIDS crisis.)
    Beta-reading the sex scenes in a book absolutely needs to be a thing, because there’s a lot of icky stuff out there.

  17. Isabelle @ BookwyrmBites

    March 20, 2019 at 2:08 pm

    SAM I AM DYING FROM SIMULTANEOUS LAUGHTER AND CRINGE. and I’m reminded of how unfair it is that fanfiction gets a bad rep (because apparently some people think that it’s all about “taking two characters who don’t actually get together, and making them smash”) when most of the fics I’ve read have better plot development, characterization, and even smutty scenes than a lot of what gets published ๐Ÿต (yes, I do know Fifty Shades used to be Twilight fanfiction, but neither the fanfic nor BDSM communities want anything to do with it … anyway. I digress.)
    honestly I’m wondering if maybe the editors read some of these scenes and were so shocked they just forgot to or decided not to try and fix them because they were so beyond help? because I agree, I have no idea how these ever made it to the printers.
    and seriously, poor Bob. and poor girls who were expecting a “wildebeest” and got a “centipede” (your analogies throughout this post are ๐Ÿ’ฏ, btw!), or just assumed that their partner would know exactly what they were doing and give them a good time. yikes.

  18. Destiny @ Howling Libraries

    March 24, 2019 at 2:00 am

    LMAOOOOOOOOOO SAM I AM SCREAMING
    WHAT EVEN IS THIS
    This is everything I needed in my life, WOW I’m dying over here and what the fuck is up with the cave metaphors?!?!

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      March 25, 2019 at 6:04 pm

      HAHAHAHAHA The things my brain stans when I’m drunk enough ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
      I HONESTLY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FASCINATION WITH CAVE METAPHORS IS BUT IT NEEDS TO DIE.

  19. Bookish: Book Blogger Hop #21 – The BookNook UK

    March 30, 2019 at 3:25 pm

    […] It’s a 2 for 1 for Sam @ Fictionally Sam this week! Take a look at the Bookending Spring 2019 event that Sam is co-hosting and because spring has links to the birds and the bees you most definitely should check out her post ‘Dear Authors – An Open Letter to Your Sex Scenes.’ […]

  20. Ren Strange

    April 2, 2019 at 9:28 am

    This is so funny! I’m really about to die from laughing!
    I wonder what the ratio is of bad sex scenes written by men to ones written by women.

    1. Sam || Fictionally Sam

      April 2, 2019 at 9:33 am

      Haha glad I could make you laugh! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ And that is a very good question! I need someone to perform this study!

  21. Book Blogger Hop: A Classic Novel I Want to Read – Strangely Pop Cultured

    April 2, 2019 at 11:27 am

    […] Sam from Fictionally Sam penned a hilarious open letter to authors about sex scenes. […]

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: