Dear Authors…An Open Letter To Your Sex Scenes
🚨CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: 🚨
The Letter below contains quotes/excerpts of explicit sex scenes, mentions of rape/lack of consent, and strong language. Please practice self-care before, during, and after reading.
Hi. Let me first start this letter by saying that wow I love you a whole bunch. You keep me sane and you let me feel all the fuzzy feelings as well as the ones that would most likely end me up in jail with a name like Taystee in Orange Is The New Black. DESPITE THAT! I love you. Let me also take this time to say that I am slightly intoxicated right now with several a few margaritas in me, two shots, a whiskey and a nice big daiquiri because I’m a fancy bitch. So take that as you will. But back to the purpose of this letter! I love you so, so, so much, but ya girl here has a bone to pick with you.
Your Sex Scenes.
Yeah, I know you know I was gonna bring that shit up. Most of the time it’s a 10/10 would recommend transaction and you get me feeling some type of way that leads to a cold shower, but hot titties do some of them suck major ass.
For starters let’s talk about your way of describing sex. Some of the names you come up with for saying vagina and penis are really hella ducking weird–yes I said ducking, let me own that shit–even sober Sam can attest to the weirdness (I can indeed). For instance, in Fifty Shades of Grey (shout out to my friends for reminding me of this!) we get a huge pile of different variations of this caucasity. Exhibit A:
“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. ‘Are you ready for this?’ he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”
Yeah. Soak that awkward in.
First off, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING IT A LOVE CAVE?! Last time I checked my vagina didn’t have stalactite and stalagmite hanging and chilling in my insides. Authors, I swear to you I had to take a lap or two after I read that sex scene. The mood was severed, the heat of the moment was doused by a pen of hamsters. If someone ever told me they wanted to waddle into my love cave and then proceeded to use a hamster as a sexual descriptor…fam. Neither drunk Sam nor Sober Sam would be getting laid that night. My happy alcohol filled body would be immediately calling an Uber and going home.
Not today Satan.
Don’t worry authors, you can’t pin all the bad sex scenes on Poor EL James here. Nah fam, you got some crazy ass folks in your arsenal. Fifty shades is just the one of many books that use weird as pubes sex descriptors. Let’s all waddle to some of my favorite cringe quotes shall we?
“I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.
I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.”Katerina by James Fey
Yeah I know fam. I am crying laughing too.
“My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.”Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami
I need Sober Sam to the bold the worst part about the above. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CONSENT?! Haruki needs their genitals cut off and burned in front of them, because what in the ever living hell possessed them to think that this was good sex–much less OKAY?! Let’s continue, cause I cannot–
“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.”Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan
WHAT IS WITH Y’ALL AND CAVES?! All of this is just bad sex. You can moan all you want to, but ain’t no one meeting nirvana in that room when you describe it like that Authors. Speaking of Nirvana, what the hell is up with the false advertisement? In every single explicit romance, you authors make every single guy long and girthy–BUT NOT ALL DUDES ARE LIKE THAT! Sometimes they are shit in bed and you have to teach them how to take a ride on the Silverado. That’s nothing to be ashamed about, but authentic sex scenes are the best sex scenes and you all out here giving the world false hope that every dude in a suit has a wildebeest package when instead 80% of them are centipedes! Poor Bob down the road was set up for failure from the start and he didn’t even know it!
Fix it Authors. Shhhh, don’t ask anymore questions…just fix it.