Bookish

Dear Authors…An Open Letter To Your Sex Scenes

🚨CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: 🚨

The Letter below contains quotes/excerpts of explicit sex scenes, mentions of rape/lack of consent, and strong language. Please practice self-care before, during, and after reading.Β 

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Dear Authors,

Hi. Let me first start this letter by saying that wow I love you a whole bunch. You keep me sane and you let me feel all the fuzzy feelings as well as the ones that would most likely end me up in jail with a name like Taystee in Orange Is The New Black. DESPITE THAT! I love you. Let me also take this time to say that I am slightly intoxicated right now with several a few margaritas in me, two shots, a whiskey and a nice big daiquiri because I’m a fancy bitch. So take that as you will. But back to the purpose of this letter! I love you so, so, so much, but ya girl here has a bone to pick with you.

Your Sex Scenes.

Yeah, I know you know I was gonna bring that shit up. Most of the time it’s a 10/10 would recommend transaction and you get me feeling some type of way that leads to a cold shower, but hot titties do some of them suck major ass.

For starters let’s talk about your way of describing sex. Some of the names you come up with for saying vagina and penis are really hella ducking weird–yes I said ducking, let me own that shit–even sober Sam can attest to the weirdness (I can indeed). For instance, in Fifty Shades of Grey (shout out to my friends for reminding me of this!) we get a huge pile of different variations of this caucasity. Exhibit A:

“His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. β€˜Are you ready for this?’ he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”

Yeah. Soak that awkward in.

First off, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING IT A LOVE CAVE?! Last time I checked my vagina didn’t have stalactite and stalagmite hanging and chilling in my insides. Authors, I swear to you I had to take a lap or two after I read that sex scene. The mood was severed, the heat of the moment was doused by a pen of hamsters. If someone ever told me they wanted to waddle into my love cave and then proceeded to use a hamster as a sexual descriptor…fam. Neither drunk Sam nor Sober Sam would be getting laid that night. My happy alcohol filled body would be immediately calling an Uber and going home.

Not today Satan.

Don’t worry authors, you can’t pin all the bad sex scenes on Poor EL James here. Nah fam, you got some crazy ass folks in your arsenal. Fifty shades is just the one of many books that use weird as pubes sex descriptors. Let’s all waddle to some of my favorite cringe quotes shall we?

“I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.
I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.”Katerina by James Fey

Yeah I know fam. I am crying laughing too.

“My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.”Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami

I need Sober Sam to the bold the worst part about the above. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CONSENT?! Haruki needs their genitals cut off and burned in front of them, because what in the ever living hell possessed them to think that this was good sex–much less OKAY?! Let’s continue, cause I cannot–

β€œEmpty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.”Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan

WHAT IS WITH Y’ALL AND CAVES?! All of this is just bad sex. You can moan all you want to, but ain’t no one meeting nirvana in that room when you describe it like that Authors. Speaking of Nirvana, what the hell is up with the false advertisement? In every single explicit romance, you authors make every single guy long and girthy–BUT NOT ALL DUDES ARE LIKE THAT! Sometimes they are shit in bed and you have to teach them how to take a ride on the Silverado. That’s nothing to be ashamed about, but authentic sex scenes are the best sex scenes and you all out here giving the world false hope that every dude in a suit has a wildebeest package when instead 80% of them are centipedes! Poor Bob down the road was set up for failure from the start and he didn’t even know it!

RIP Bob

Fix it Authors. Shhhh, don’t ask anymore questions…just fix it.

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31 thoughts on “Dear Authors…An Open Letter To Your Sex Scenes”

  1. Holy shit Sam, here I thought the Fifty Shades of Grey books were bad. I think I need to wash out my eyes with acid. I don’t understand how these authors don’t laugh at their books?? I’m going tonerite a response to this post because I have a whole lot to sayπŸ˜‚ I absolutely love this Sam, please do more drunk letters❀️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sober Sam had a time and a half proofreading this letter and honestly I don’t even know how those sex scenes even get approved from publishers…like a ton of people read this before it went to the press and said “this is quality sex”???
      OMG YES TO THE RESPONSE POST MY SOUL IS PREPPED FOR GREATNESS

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  2. I am laughing but also like also mortified. WTF EMPTY MY TANKS IS THEIR FOREPLAY ‘GET MY CYLINDERS GOING BABY!’ I can’t. I can’t even. I. Ugh. But honestly, thank you so much because I just got done reading a book by a dude and apparently talking about how the woman wore her fur coat every time they banged. UH EXCUSE ME? THAT GETS HOT. WHY.

    Thank you, Sam, this is so far possibly my most favorite book blog post ever.

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  3. Oh my god, can I just start by saying that I’m glad I haven’t read any of these books?
    Also, none of this is erotic, it’s more suited to make you laugh and/or cringe.
    This letter is so true and well, I truly hope that the authors see this and fix their sex scenes.
    I hope you write more drunk letters! xx

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  4. Ahhhhaha I don’t know how to feel right now! I almost quit after “puckered love cave.” My god. This post is hilarious but so so true. Really makes me appreciate the good ones because the bad ones are SO BAD.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m howling with laughter right now!! OMG!! Wow πŸ˜‚ And I thought Fifty Shades was bad! I also agree with you, I checked and there’s no stalactites or stalagmites, nor is there an icy pond hidden in my vagina either, so IKD why they insist on calling it a cave. That aside, I’m weird enough to say I’ve read some dubious consent books that were better written than the ones you quoted. The dress bunched up in the underwear tripped me. I mean I think that’s what happened there, I’m not 100% sure πŸ˜‚. I need to dig up my favorite awful sex scenes too. And do more drunk letters!!!!

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  6. Hahahaha! Oh yes, I remember a few of these! Two of these were included in the ‘coveted’ Bad Sex Awards for 2018 and I think one of them even won it. How on earth these went through editorial approval I don’t know! I’ve never read Fifty Shades but puckered love cave? That’s some quality work right there πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I have to say the Bad Sex awards were an eye opener. A fascinating, terrifying, hilarious eye opener and I think I live for them. Absolutely no clue!!! Of all things… caves… I just… I mean…. I’m all for metaphor and symbolism but sometimes I’m just like ‘no people, just keep it simple!’

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  7. “Last time I checked my vagina didn’t have stalactite and stalagmite hanging and chilling in my insides”

    *wheezes* OMG last time I checked me neither, can you imagine if we did though…it’d certainly be a weird experience phahaha. Gah this post made me chuckle also that 50 Shades one yeah…it’s not just the hamster reference or the cave thing that gets me. “mewled” what are you a ducking cat? At least cats wouldn’t have written that shit and called it a decent sex scene. I think mewled is like yummy Sam…I don’t like that word. It’s a weird one.

    Love Drunk Sam and Sober Sam, you’re both a time and 10/10 would recommend ❀

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This is a post of epic beauty!!! (Also nightmarish horrors.)

    I have to say, for the most part (and of course there are exceptions), the well-written sex scenes I’ve read have mostly been from female authors. I’ve read some from women that have been poorly written in terms of style of prose and of course some that have just been gross, but the poorly written ones from men have been more of the Bad Sex Awards quality, that if sex were actually like that, I’d be informing my husband that I’d suddenly discovered the joys of celibacy. (And can I throw out an extra-long scream for the latest Nicholas Sparks novel my mother foisted on me? It was set in 1990, the two characters knew each other for FOUR days, and THERE WAS NO CONDOM USAGE EW EW EWWWWWWWWWW. I hadn’t read a book with no condoms in ages and this SQUICKED ME THE HELL OUT, especially since that was at the height of the AIDS crisis.)

    Beta-reading the sex scenes in a book absolutely needs to be a thing, because there’s a lot of icky stuff out there.

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  9. SAM I AM DYING FROM SIMULTANEOUS LAUGHTER AND CRINGE. and I’m reminded of how unfair it is that fanfiction gets a bad rep (because apparently some people think that it’s all about “taking two characters who don’t actually get together, and making them smash”) when most of the fics I’ve read have better plot development, characterization, and even smutty scenes than a lot of what gets published 🍡 (yes, I do know Fifty Shades used to be Twilight fanfiction, but neither the fanfic nor BDSM communities want anything to do with it … anyway. I digress.)

    honestly I’m wondering if maybe the editors read some of these scenes and were so shocked they just forgot to or decided not to try and fix them because they were so beyond help? because I agree, I have no idea how these ever made it to the printers.

    and seriously, poor Bob. and poor girls who were expecting a “wildebeest” and got a “centipede” (your analogies throughout this post are πŸ’―, btw!), or just assumed that their partner would know exactly what they were doing and give them a good time. yikes.

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